JUNE 15, 2019

this morning i thought about the most important things to me: 
i could hear my mothers name, and imagine my grandfathers hands after a long day. the reproducing yellow outside was also something that is important to me. the wind that makes seamless whispers scrape the morning dew off the tree outside my window. the old letters of friends and family are important to me  too.

JUNE 17, 2019
ayer en el dia de los padres pense en mi padre. pense en los espacios que ahora toma. y no creo que esta en el cielo, pero tampoco creo que esta en la tierra. debajo y entre la tierra. mojada y fresca. a veces pienso en el y creo que es el aire que mueve las hojas del arbol. a veces creo que esta viviendo otra vida en el otro lado del mundo. a veces pienso que no es nada, y que el mundo completo tambien como el sera nada. su misterio es mio. y  sera algo que nunca sabra, pero profundamente siempre lo sentira. feliz dia de los padres sergio antonio rodriguez. espero verte en la proxima vida, o en el mundo de nada. 
translation: yesterday, on fathers day, i thought of my father. i thought of the spaces in which he now occupies. and no, i do not think he is heaven, but i also don't think he is the ground. underneath, and in between the earth. fresh and wet dirt. sometimes when i think of my father, i believe that he is the wind moving the leaves. sometimes i believe he is living a different lifetime on the other side of the world. sometimes i think he is nowhere and nothing, and that the whole world will also become like him, empty. his mystery is mine. and his those spaces he now takes will always be something i do not know, and will only be something that sits inside of me. happy fathers day sergio antonio rodriguez. i hope to see you in the next lifetime, or in the world of nothing. 

JUNE 21, 2019 
solsticio de verano / summer solstice
i have not written anything in three days. and the days have twisted and turned into the longest days of the year. but  today is the summer solstice, and today is the longest day of the year. 
 my hands during these past three days have lost their pace. each time i had a thought, or an idea of a sentence, or a word, my head imagined my hands with a pen against a paper. and my memory tried to keep them. tried to inhale them into the deepest parts of me. dig and cultivate for them to sit on the pit of my core.
but i remember mostly the moments in which they occurred. the words were lost, but the feeling images pollinated. and there was one moment when my uncle and i were walking towards settlers park. we had stopped in between a middle of a bridge, and we watched the rough waters as they made sound. pieces of mountains crumbled, and slowly drifted. and then there in moving currents was a mother and her ducklings. surfacing and speeding waters. 
i immediately thought how she protect them from these waters. i watched her find the rims of the creek, and test the ways as her duckling followed. they all knew how to move together and as a family. and it all made me think, and question how much love and awareness, does one have to have? to help someone from drowning? how much?

JULY 3, 2019 
it is strange that had many customers tell me today to enjoy the holiday. and in recent years the word celebration for fourth of july rarely comes out my mouth. there are many parts of me that are american, and yet those parts are the ones i am most afraid of. scared to show and to hold. these parts are sometimes really hard for me to notice. to acknowledge that they are connected to those veins that are running with blood, and with water. but, i am glad for their existence, for the awareness they bring into my own body. because of them i experience the slightness climbing light of double consciousness.the idea of double consciousness comes from Du Bois, who I read and encountered his words to be similar to the way I move my fingers when write. Du Bois states that, “It is a peculiar sensation, this double-consciousness, this sense of always looking at one’s self through the eyes of others, of measuring one’s soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity.” and this reflects on how double consciousness is set to be an awareness that only brings negativity. double consciousness brings the realizations of oppression. the ones you took as natural, and done by every person that was not of color. i have felt the negativity--- the pity one sees themselves in when a white person loos at dark skin. and i have lived with this pity. carried shame that was constantly reminding me that i was mixed, and not pure. i lived this way, until i realized that i was growing. shifting like a plant when it is looking for sunlight. i saw double consciousness as a gift. a present gift to my art, my creative planes. i am grateful for this awareness, and that the idea of double consciousness that is something that splits me. i live in two worlds, and do you know how many stars are in two worlds?